Those aren't words he's saying, just the guttural noises with which City fans and other lower primates communicate. (Photo by Clive Mason/Getty Images)
It's that time again! Time to rain hatred down upon the Scum, those denizens of only the worst parts of the Second City, those cretins, those sacrificers of children. They're the team that makes this weekend simultaneously one of the best and one of the worst on the schedule. If we can manage to beat them, it will be glorious. But until that final whistle sounds, we all will probably be nervous wrecks.
So this week, we thought we'd take a look at what it is exactly about the Small Heath Alliance side that we hate so much. Is it their uniforms? Their proximity? Their ugly mugs on the pitch? All of these things? Our answers are below, but I am perhaps more excited to hear what you all have to say in the comments. Let the vitriol flow this week! Embrace your inner anger! It's derby week, the best time to do it!
This week's question: What do you hate most about Birmingham City?
Gareth: Is there really any reason to like Birmingham City? They're a terrible club owned by terrible people (remember West Ham's porn barons? They used to own Small Heath) and they play terrible football and have terrible support. And now they have twat supreme David Bentley to whack corners and crosses at Nikola Zigic in the faint hopes that the talentless giant can get it together enough to nod the football goalwards.
Aside from that one time they won the League Cup (in 1963, causing the Kennedy assassination), they have won nothing of importance. And we're really stretching, if we're calling the League Cup important. It's a club that exists because stupid people get jealous of clubs that have a history of success (see: most of Manchester City's support.) Let's be honest, the Small Heath Alliance only exists so Birmingham's lower brand of citizen has something to do on their weekends. Although when you're an unemployed dirtbag, every day's like a weekend, isn't it?
Kirsten: First, what I love about Birmingham City: the number of things I can call them. There's the scum, which is the standard insult for the team you despise. But there's also Small Heath Alliance, shortened to SHA, which gets the Birmingham blood rolling. There's bluenoses, but apparently they embrace that one. So you can add certain words to the end of bluenose that won't be appropriate to write in this space. You can also say they bluebottled it, as demonstrated in the Carling Cup match.
What I hate about SHA? I get a lot of grief about never having lived in Birmingham, so not being able to actually embrace the rivalry between the two clubs. But even if I weren't a Villa fan, I think they'd be my second-least-favorite club (Manchester City would win, in that case). They're just dirty. Utterly and completely dirty. It's no surprise to me that Victor Obinna kicked Sebastian Larsson in the goodies, because who amongst us hasn't wanted to do the same? Although personally I'd rather go with Scott Dann, or "captain" Stephen Carr, or Roger Johnson. I'd mention Johnson's disgusting tackle on Cesc Fabregas, but then you might think the rest of them aren't capable of such brutality. Yet they are, and it makes me rather sick to watch.
Robert: At this exact moment, the thing I hate most about the Scum is that they are above us on the table. I haven't gone looking on any of their blogs, but I imagine most of the City fans are sitting at home being smug little so and sos about their "superiority" over the brave lions. But, this will pass quickly enough with a Villa win on Sunday. So it can't be my full answer.
No, what I hate most about City is their crest. Look at that thing. A globe drawn by a two year old on top, and a volleyball on bottom. And holding it all together? Some rhythmic gymnastics ribbon. It's an eyesore! It looks too big on their uniforms. And to top it all off, it looks like a vertical pair of testes. Come to think of it, I suppose that's pretty fitting. It takes a lot of balls to root for a team so bad.